Invisible emotional labor is an often-overlooked element of daily life that women, particularly those over 50, manage continuously. It's the unacknowledged, ongoing effort to handle others’ emotions, needs, and conflicts, often at the cost of personal well-being. For decades, women have absorbed this form of work as a natural extension of nurturing, but the impact of invisible emotional labor can be significant, especially as we age. And, most of us have work outside of our home! I know that I use to worry about employees and co-workers while raising two boys and worring about them. We think that once the kids are grown, life is going to be easier. However, we don’t, or at least I didn’t think about taking care of aging parents, worrying about a disease of a loved one, or simply worrying about the well-being of our grown children. All of these things add to labor and can make us exhausted.
Let's explore what invisible emotional labor is, its effects, and steps we can take to better balance our emotional well-being. Remember the first step is to understand what it is.
Understanding Invisible Emotional Labor
Invisible emotional labor encompasses a wide range of activities, many of which go unnoticed or unappreciated by others. It includes:
Managing Family Dynamics: Acting as a go-between in family conflicts, keeping everyone informed, and nurturing connections across generations. We do this. We try to manage our families and keep everyone up to date.
Anticipating Needs: Remembering birthdays, planning gatherings, and checking in on friends and family to ensure they feel supported. This can be fun but lots of work.
Emotional Regulation: Keeping a calm demeanor, de-escalating conflicts, and often hiding personal stress to maintain a peaceful atmosphere for others. Some families have drama queens.
Care Coordination: Organizing doctor appointments, medications, and health decisions for spouses, children, or aging parents.
Each task may seem small, but collectively, they form an emotional workload that can feel heavy and unending, especially when performed without recognition or support. We need to understand that all of these things are labor intensive and give ourselves compassion when we are tired.
The Effects of Invisible Emotional Labor on Women
As we enter our fifties and beyond, the cumulative effects of decades of emotional labor can catch up with us in physical and mental ways:
Emotional Exhaustion: Constantly attending to the needs of others can lead to burnout. This can manifest as feelings of fatigue, irritability, and even resentment, particularly when there’s little reciprocation. I am fortunate that I have a good family dynamic where everyone supports each other and we work as a team. But, I know some of you don’t have that. I made a decision that I would take my dad to his friends funerals (which tends to be happening more often) and sit in the car and read a book. I had no idea that even if you don’t know someone, doesn’t mean it won’t affect me emotionally. Yikes. It was rough.
Physical Health Impact: Studies show that long-term stress from managing emotional labor can take a toll on physical health. Chronic stress has been linked to issues like high blood pressure, weakened immune systems, and increased risk of cardiovascular diseases. Let this sink in.
Loss of Personal Identity: When you spend so much time caring for others’ needs, your own priorities and passions may take a back seat. This can lead to a feeling of losing yourself, as if your identity is tied primarily to the well-being of others.
Mental Health Challenges: Unacknowledged emotional labor can exacerbate anxiety, depression, and feelings of isolation. Many women over 50, already managing the transitions of aging, find these emotional challenges amplified by the pressure of constantly supporting those around them.
Recognizing the Invisible Workload
The first step in managing invisible emotional labor is acknowledging it. Reflect on the ways you may have taken on this role, whether at home or with friends. Ask yourself:
Am I putting more effort into others’ emotional needs than my own? Some of us worry more about others than ourselves.
Do I often feel drained or unappreciated after social or family gatherings? If you don’t have help, ask for it. I am pretty good at calling my sister, friend, or SILs to help me and they always do. However, I know some of you don’t and need to think about.
If you don’t get help, set clear boundaries, or explain to others you need help or cannot keep doing. We have to prioritize our own well-being.
Balancing Emotional Labor for Greater Well-being
Balancing emotional labor means shifting some of the focus onto your own well-being. Here are a few ways to start:
Prioritize Self-Care: Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment without the added pressure of pleasing others. Hobbies, exercise, and time in nature are all ways to recharge emotionally. In other words, take care of yourself. Read the book, go get a facial, wear your pjs all day.
Set Boundaries: It’s okay to say no and to prioritize yourself. Boundaries can help protect your energy, making it easier to handle responsibilities without feeling overextended.
Seek Community Support: Talk to your close friends and families to help. Simply talking to others can make us feel better.
Practice Self-Compassion: Invisible labor can be isolating, especially when it feels like no one sees the effort you put into others' well-being. Be kind to yourself, acknowledge your efforts, and give yourself credit where it’s due.
Homework:
Make a list of all the things that you worry about or know that they take wear you out emotionally. Then, decide which ones are not doing you any good. For instance, worrying about someones well-being is not doing you a bit of good. Being supportive when together is fine but spending time in deep thoughts can create havoc on your own emotions.
After, you make a list, then decide how to eliminate or reduce them. Of course, we will always have things in life that cause us to be emotionally drained but we can be more aware and limit it.
My favorite pastime is having lunch with others. Here is my husband and I having lunch at the Blue Window in Los Alamos. It was fantastic. We ate there twice in the three days we were there!
Have a beautiful day!
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